An unwelcome visitor

Did you ever have someone visiting your house that after a few days, it felt like they'd been there just a little too long and you couldn't wait till you could have your space back and feel the peace & quiet of getting your regular "rut" back again? It's ok. You don't have to answer out loud. I wouldn't want you to hurt anyone's feelings or anything, but the rule about fish and house guests only being good for 3 days is most of the time really true.

Not so about John's brothers being here mind you. Their presence here in our lives right now is wonderful and we could not have found any kind of serenity without them.

But it's OH SO TRUE about having cancer in one's home, life or body. This is a guest that everyone can do without and when it visits, there is a feeling of urgency to pack up it's bags and move it out as soon as humanly possible.

From the first day that John went to the Dr to find out what might be wrong with him, till the day he has surgery is exactly 1 month. For most medical things, this does seem to be a veritable whirlwind, but we all notice in these few days before the surgery date, that it just can't come soon enough for any of us who cross the Cosgroves threshold here in Castro Valley.

John might be a little more patient than those around him. Again, it's not us that has to get our entire innards rearranged. He seems calm enough, but there are any number of lifes little details that he seems to be in a hurry to try to take care of.

We are not patient tho. Elliot's first words out of his mouth when Dad told him what was going on was "Well we gotta get that stuff OUTTA there".

We are in a strange holding pattern these last few days. I suspect it will remain so in the next 2 days leading up to the surgery.

How can one ever be in a hurry to have such a majorly invasive thing happen to them? I guess only when one has been invaded by this most unwelcome visitor. I guess when something has disrupted your life so completely, can you even imagine looking forward to such extreme measures to rid yourself of the disruption.

We are quiet here. Not boistrous. We are talking to each other in ways that are different. Different in that we no longer ignore even the smallest things about what another family member might be feeling. We are hyper aware of each others feelings and we are also hyper aware of maintaining patience with each other, giving each other slack for those fleeting moments of IMpatience that might happen. We are doing all we can to just let each other "be".

I don't think my kids ever felt unloved, but now I want to shower them with love and affection every chance I get. I can't hardly stand it when they are not around. Now I have to worry that I'm not smothering them, but I'm not going to worry about that too much right now. Affection is that one thing that gives back whatever you give. Hugs are good. Touches are good. All bring healing of one kind or another. I hope.

Everyone I saw when I was out yesterday at the East Bay for Democracy event and the Debra Bowen event...I insisted on a hug. There is no question in my mind any more that we are not alone in this trial in our lives. All those reading this blog, all those that have sent love of any kind, all those that posted that love at Daily Kos and The Progressive Connection have made that abundantly clear. We are uplifted by that support and love, and it was good to feel it in tangible, touchable, human form yesterday. Thanks to all I saw yesterday for indulging me with hugs. I loved it. You should know how much you gave with that small gesture.

John is sleeping right now (5pm). Sleep doesn't come easily at night. He says it's not from worry too much, but more from itching, disrupted sleep patterns from being in the hospital...stuff like that. But sleep is fleeting for me sometimes too and as much as I don't want to admit it, it's because I'm worried. I'm scared of the operation John has to have, as much as I wish we could do it sooner, or better yet, that it was OVER and DONE. I'm scared of the possible outcomes. Elliot says the hope we have is on a big giant cord. We want it to stay that way and not have that cord shrink, even a little bit.

Whatever prayers, chants, good vibes and thoughts you send.....all good JU JU....we feel it, we need it and we ask that it continue in copious amounts over the next week and beyond. It all helps. Thank you for all you've given so far.

Peace, Love, Gratitude & Hope
Vicki