Managing Expectations

I've been thinking alot lately about this subject and also about the subject of capacity. They seem to pop up in all aspects of my life, whether it's in the political world, my home life, work and they also seem to have so many layers.

One cannot think about managing expectations without delving pretty deeply into the person you are and how you approach all aspects of life. It seems that no matter how "zen" you are, you always have some type of expectations about people, situations and even yourself...every minute of every day.

In our talk with Elliot to tell him about his Dad's medical issues, I asked him to try to manage his expectations about what Dad might be able to do, or not do, during his recovery. I wanted him to understand that Dad was going to be down for quite a while and that he wasn't going to want to go to the driving range for a long time. (I could take him, but I suck at hitting a golf ball and it only serves to frustrate me to try most of the time). I think Elliot got it, but I realized that very evening, that I didn't!

When John came home from work that nite, the very night of our consultation with the surgeon, he was troubled and seemed to be second guessing the plan that we were so positive about just hours before. I felt unable to talk him out of feeling unsure about what was going to happen and it was a little frustrating to me that we couldn't just move forward with a positive feeling for what was about to happen. After the 2 weeks prior, of being so scared and not knowing what was going to happen and what the outcome might be, I needed a moment of relief from that and I was so happy that we could expect John to recover fully and live a long life once he was done recuperating.

The following morning, as John and I talked thru it more, I realized that I was not managing my own expectations of how I wanted John to feel and it was like a hit in the gut to me. Who the hell am I to expect John to feel like I feel?? I'm not the one that has to get opened up from stem to stern! I'm not the one that's going to be held hostage in a hospital for days on end! I'm not the one that faces even remote possibilities that I might not see my 50th birthday. (Since I've already passed that) I really have no right to expect John to feel anything except exactly what he's feeling and it's not a good thing for me to project those expectation on him at any time. In fact I'm pretty sure that doing so, and not getting a handle on my own expectations, is bad for John and bad for keeping communications as open as I hope (expect?) they can be as we move into the next phase of this situation.

As with every bump we come up to in this situation, there were tears and talking and realizations that as for many things in life, there is no instruction manual for going thru something like this and we are just going to have to be as open, as human and as understanding of each other as we can manage.

I'm finding, in myself, an amazing capacity for patience lately. The ability to take a deep breath, to open up my mind and my heart and try to really hear what people are trying to tell me and to really let myself and others in my family and circle of friends feel whatever it is they are feeling without judgement and without trying to direct it all. It's a good experience for me. I think it's a good experience for John, altho I won't try to speak for him. I am finding there is alot of dignity in it and those of you that know me, understand the importance of that for me.

In another post, I'm going to write about the dignity of acceptance of all the offers of help we've recieved. I think that's been something that John's had to work thru and get past.

Happy Easter everyone.