Shouldn't we be accustomed to the roller coaster nature of being diagnosed with cancer by now? It's crazy. The last two and a half months have included the deaths of 4 people in my Survivor's Group, my father's passing after a struggle with Alzheimer's and dementia, and my own CT scan indicating a recurrence of tumor in the operating bed of my pancreas - that is one heck of a Screaming Eagle drop.

Clarence and Joyce were a couple of people that helped me find an even keel when I first joined the group. Clarence had that rock solid faith that some have that gives them the strength to face the most miserable circumstances with great peace. He had one lung left when I first met him and it "wasn't much good". Joyce came from a more secular direction in her struggle with her disease, maintaining her gentle and sympathetic attitude no matter how large the fearful lumps at her lymph nodes became. Simone came to the group later with a great zest for living and a clear understanding (and extremely muted) grasp of the short time she had left in her struggle. The last guy only made it to group twice, I think - angry as all get out at the injustice of leaving his beautiful young twin daughters.

The last time I saw my Dad he asked who I was at least 6 times over the weekend. We had a great time that I will hold in my heart forever. It was after my diagnosis, which I chose not to share with him, and he still whipped out some great jokes, clever stories, and the fascinating intricately remembered snippets of family history that are often more available to Alzheimer's patients than how to eat chips with dip. Dad passed the first week in July.

My CT scan on July 23rd show a wee 75 mm spot on the operating bed of my pancreas. It's about the same place that showed some activity last November. During our meeting (me, Vicki, and my brother Patrick) with Chemo Kaufman, he offered me "months" of life, options of pain management or if I "really wanted", he'd give some more chemo, and he suggested that we contact hospice. Wow. We stopped on the way home and had some (a lot?) great tequila that still remains unidentified by brand.

While I initiated wrapping up some of the details and thought about what to do with the apparently short time I had left, I also fired Chemo Kaufman, researched clinical trials that might be appropriate for me, thought about who I wanted for my outside-of-Kaiser second opinion, asked my radiation oncologist Dr. Lampenfeld to re-evaluate my records with a thought to giving me more radiation or maybe the 'Cyber Knife', and hooked up with Dr. Arora (nickname to be determined). Arora came recommended by a number of people in my group and especially Joyce. He was confident that we had a number of treatment options that would be helpful to me and he gave me a fistful of trials that he thought might work for me. He and I acknowledged that pancreatic cancer sucks, big time, but looked far more positively at a future, regardless of the difficulty in getting there.

After calling all of the trial people, it turned out that I wasn't qualified for any except possibly a vaccination trial at the University of Chicago. So I made an appointment with the esteemed Dr. Hedy Kindler at the University to coincide with the family's visit to Chicago to remember my father, at the Bomberpalooza. I thought she could give me a second opinion and give the yea or nay on their trials. Following a truly great party with nearly every Thomas Paul Cosgrove relative in attendance, and a couple days of golfing with the brothers at the most idyllic location in Wisconsin, my entourage and I steamed into Hedy Kindler's office for some talk.

Dr. Kindler actually referred to my previous diagnosis of palliative pain care and hospice as "nutty". I could have kissed her. She said that I have plenty of treatment options, none of which are currently necessary. She is not completely convinced that my cancer has recurred. The spots on my pancreas and the "slight, so slight", statistically insignificant, increase in my tumor marker increases could be a result of damage done to my guts by the radiation and chemo treatment I took at the end of last year. And while I may theoretically be qualified for the trials she is overseeing, she doesn't think that I am currently sick enough to be enrolled.

So now what? I got home from Chicago and Dr. Lampenfeld has scheduled me for a PET scan aimed at figuring out if radiation is an option. I have an appointment with Arora ostensibly to determine with him what my course of treatment is going to be. But Kindler doesn't think I need to start any treatment right away. All of the doctors think that cancer's still a part of my life that sucks, and I need to be mindful of it and listen to what my body tells me. Kindler kindly added the caveat that a headache is usually just a headache - it doesn't very often indicate tumors in your brain.

I guess I'll get the PET scan and see what's up. Kindler is anti-radiation, and pled with me to get a second opinion if the first one came back encouraging using the cyber-knife.

Until then.

3K Walk at Supery Vineyards & Winery

http://tinyurl.com/cyynts to join the team.

And on Facebook

The Cosgroves & The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network invite you to the 7th Annual Walk Through the Vineyards on Saturday, June 13, 2009. Join the Napa Valley Affiliate at beautiful St. Supery Vineyards & Winery as we create awareness, raise funds and meet others who share the same goal: to find a cure for pancreatic cancer!

Bring all your friends and family for a lovely 3K walk through the vineyards. You can also enjoy a light breakfast, musical entertainment and the always fun wine bottle ring toss contest, and you can even bid to win great prizes in our silent auction.

Register online for only $30 for adults and $15 for children before May 28 and you'll be guaranteed an event t-shirt. Event-day registration is $40 for adults and $20 for children, and shirts will be available while supplies last. Pancreatic cancer survivors register for free!

For all event details, hotel discounts, fundraising ideas and photos, visit our official site, www.vineyardwalk.com!

9:00 am: On-site registration opens. Enjoy a light breakfast and music while you explore the silent auction.
10:00 am: Walk begins
10:30 am - 11:30 am: Socialize, try your hand at the wine bottle ring toss or bid on auction items
11:30 am: Top fundraisers and auction winners announced
1:00 pm: Event closes

http://tinyurl.com/cyynts to join the team.

If you want to get a room on Friday night:
The month of June is high tourist season for the Napa Valley. It is highly recommended that you to book your accommodations early. We have the following hotel group rates for the event good for Friday, June 12 or Saturday, June 13.

River Terrace Inn
1600 Soscol Ave.
Napa, CA 94559
Reservations: 866-NAPA-FUN
www.riverterraceinn.com
Reservations must be made by May 12, 2009
Rate: $159
Group Name: PAN

The Meritage Resort & Spa
875 Bordeaux Way
Napa, CA 94558
Reservations: 866-370-NAPA
www.themeritageresort.com
Rate: $199
Group Name: Walk Through the Vineyards

Holiday Inn Express - Just opened March 2009
5001 Main Street
American Canyon, CA 94503
Reservations: 707-552-8100
www.holidayinnnapavalley.com
Book online using WTV in the “Group Booking Code” field.
Reservations must be made by May 12, 2009
Rate: $139
Group Name: Walk Through the Vineyards

Happy Birthday

Two years ago this week I went to the most excellent Dr. Umair and told her I was on my last belt hole and my pants were still falling down, and my skin clashed with my favorite yellow sweater. I remember she called me on my birthday to tell me there was a definite problem in my abdomen - a small mass (my brother Mike might suggest that a 'small mass' is when Father Rowley had the late service on Superbowl Sunday) in my pancreas. And despite the odds, tomorrow I turn 51.

Not only do I get to celebrate another birthday, but I might need to go back to my bigger clothes! I'm getting to the point where I'm almost meaty!

I recently spoke to someone that has just been diagnosed with pancreat cancer. It was a vivid reminder of the chaotic emotional whirlwind we went through in Spring of 07. And I really didn't have much to offer - the choices, as written on this blog somewhere, are not all that clear: get the operation if you can, and beyond that go with your gut (no pun intended). I heaped praise on CK Chang, and talked about all the side effects that came from all the different things I've done and that was pretty much it.

Except that I'm still around. And that I'm going to be around a while longer. I'm guessing that was the best part of our conversation. I remember how awful the statistics are. And how I felt looking through them and those tough conversations with the family. And it was one of those secret fears I had - there's no one that's making an exception to the statistics so how can I? That was my gift to her. I am living proof that the cancer doesn't always win. As Chemo Kaufman says, pancreat cancer still sucks, but things are pretty good right now.

Peace, and Happy Birthday to me.

PS. If you're interested in sending a gift, please make it a call, fax, email or letter to your Congressperson to sponsor HR745 which will provide more funding for research and finding a way to cure, prevent and screen for pancreat cancer. All the tools you need to get you started are on the right hand side of this note. On your mark, get set....GO!

Turn on the HAPPY SWITCH!

Chemo Kaufman says Pancreatic Cancer still sucks but.......

All indications are that things continue to get better for me. There has been a 28% reduction in the CA19-9 tumor marker and I've gained 10 lbs since the end of the evil 3 week chemo/radiation treatment in November. Kaufman anticipates that the numbers will continue to get better as a result of the ongoing efficacy of the radiation. He says that was just what I needed.

I wasn't really convinced that I was going to be joyful following this latest visit, in fact, I was pretty carefree till they drew the blood on Monday, then I got to thinking about the possibilities. It is with GREAT RELIEF and with champagne glasses raised that we let you know that we are doing GREAT!

I guess I'll have to start doing some crunches, lest I become too bulbous in my middle. I'm always one for putting on a great front, but that's not the kind I want.

In the last several weeks, when Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg was diagnosed and treated for pancreatic cancer and then that idiot, fear mongering shit for brains Senator Bunning (R-Kentucky) decided that we needed to start putting pressure on Obama because she only had 9 months to live, I was aghast!!! After surviving this disease for nearly 2 years, it really affected me that someone would think like that. I don't want anyone else to ever get this thing, but when then DO get it, they have to have HOPE! Statistics can drive you crazy. They are not good for pancreatic cancer patients. Jerks that hope for the statistics to be right, for political gain, are the worst kind of opportunist. Bunning can kiss my ass.

We've turned on the Happy Switch! I have 6 weeks until another blood test and CT scan - it's like a cancer vacation. Thanks to everyone for your prayers, kind thoughts words and deeds, and good vibes all around!

And thanks to Taryn for all the cupcake trials - at least half of my much needed weight gain.

Life - it's a good idea.

It IS a New Year.

I had some great news about my friend Karen - 2 years into her cancer following some surgery and lots of radiation, a clean MRI. How fantastic is that a way to kick off the year!

My CT scan shows a lot of unremarkable stuff. Which is great. There was some other discussion that had even more syllables per word, but Chemo Kaufman says that they are a 'natural' result of having surgery and chemo and radiation, and not to be too concerned about it.

My blood tests are headed in the right direction - not perfect but headed there. More great news.

I did try to give Kaufman a hard time about the side affects I've been experiencing. He pretty much told me to get over it - we have abused my body a little in our treatment choices and I just might have to put up with things for a while. Funny thing is that the very next day my guts started feeling better than they have in a month. I had regained a few pounds that I had lost over this last treatment.

We've scheduled blood tests in 6 weeks and another scan in 3 months.

I'm working on getting more stamina and getting stronger every day. For now, there is no waiting for anything to happen and I just get to LIVE for a little while. This family is looking forward to a few weeks of not thinking too much about cancer and letting life be good. Every day is a blessing.

Happy New Year!

Dates like New years have become far more poignant for me in the last 21 months. My birthday, April 13th and Easter, Christmas and Thanksgiving carry a special meaning colored by surviving - joyful that I've reached another and pensive about how many are left.

This New Year finds my health steadily improving. My weight is stable, I gain strength and endurance everyday, I feel great. There's still a way to go - my guts have not settled down since the conclusion of treatment a month ago and I'm ready for a nap at the drop of a hat. Mati and I are going out for a walk at the lake later today for the first time in a couple weeks. We are both looking forward to it, and the nap that follows. Between working and the naps in preparation for working or to recover from working there doesn't seem to be much left for walking.

I have a CT scan and blood tests scheduled for the 5th and a visit with Chemo Kaufman on the 12th. I'm not nearly as tense about it as I have been for previous tests. I don't know if that's because of my recent therapy, the busy holidays, or that I've found some way to let whatever comes wait for when it actually happens. Don't borrow trouble as the saying goes. Plus I get to browbeat Kaufman a little about these most recent chemo side affects, offering at least a little mental relief.

That's all I have other than to wish everyone a healthy and happy 2009!